Everyone has been in this situation at some point in their working lives, or have they? I work with numerous SMEs and large organisations where people have been promoted or hired into people managing positions without prior people management experience. In some organisations this is fine, but for the most, these people are put into situations whereby they become overwhelmed by staffing challenges and are not equipped to deal with them. Challenges then get swept under the carpet, they feaster, create an uncomfortable environment, and become bigger than Ben Hurr. Sound familiar?
The following tips will help you, as will practice, mind-set and always reminding yourself “how would I like to be spoken to”.
Tip 1. Know why you need to have this conversation.
Never go into a courageous conversation with no idea of why you need to speak to them. In your own mind you need to be very clear of what the issue is and why you need to have this conversation.
Tip 2. Know what you are listening for.
What are the key words you are wanting to hear the other person say? These words will relate directly to the issue and hopefully illustrate intent or lack of self awareness.
Tip 3 Managing your anxiety
Easier said than done, especially if this is your first courageous conversation, however if we are anxious we often end up talking way too fast and we fail to hear everything that is being said to us. You need to stay alert, speak slow, clear and be concise. Ensuring your point is made and understood.
Tip 4. Write yourself a Script
Even working with experienced managers, I always encourage a script, this ensures you don’t miss saying anything, your flow is good, your message is clear and concise.
Tip 5. Check for understanding
So to make sure I have understood what you have said….then in your own words repeat what the other person has said. Eliminating stuff getting lost in translation.
Tip 6. Be mindful about setting up the meeting
Its never ok to have these conversations in the corridor or staff lunch room, and preferably not in the shared meeting room which resembles a fish bowl!. Be respectful of the person you are going to speak with.
Tip 7 Listen before speaking
Have your say then listen, don’t interrupt, check for understanding once they have finished, ask your questions – repeat until you are satisfied.
Tip 8 Look for the positive
This is not a formal disciplinary meeting, this is a conversation for you to seek understanding and for the other person to understand what has been observed and why you feel its not appropriate. Use this as a coaching opportunity.
Tip 9. Be honest about the effect on you and others
Authenticity and integrity tends to produce better responses in others. So say something like ‘to be honest I felt really embarrassed when… or I like to feel proud of the team when… that’s why I want to raise this with you…’ This isn’t about trying to ‘guilt trip’ anyone; its about being invested in their success and the organisations culture.
Tip 10 Be prepared to feel some discomfort
Courageous Conversations often start off with or lead to discomfort for both of you, you have to be prepared to discuss the “undiscussable” – these are the issues that you and no one else wants to deal with, you know you have to face them, and you know if you don’t face your own fears they will only get worse. The other person probably wont like what you are saying and may not want to hear it at all. So, once you have sorted out the reason why you are having the conversation, and you have thought about how you should set up the meeting. Your first step to minimising the feeling of discomfort is to get agreement from the other person on holding the discussion.
Tip 11. How you tell your side of the story
So, you have got agreement from the other person to hold the discussion – now you need to strike while iron is hot. Start telling your side of the story following these three steps –
- WHY you want to have the conversation
- WHAT the issue is that you want to discuss
- HOW this issue is affecting you
Of course you have already done your homework here, and have your script ready!. Dialogue should start flowing.
Tip 12. Offer reassurance
Building and maintaining relationships while your trying to convey a perspective that the other person might find hard to hear is an art. Think about an opener such as ‘I feel this conversation may be difficult, but I am confident it will be to the benefit of both of us.
Tip 13. Look forward to solutions, not backwards to blame
Always try and aim the discussion towards a common agreement about the situation. Try not to get lost in counter-arguments about blame and the past, or what someone else used to do. It doesn’t have to be complete consensus, just enough to allow the conversation to move productively to the next stage of finding ways forward that are acceptable to you both.
Tip 14 Don’t go in with your mind already made up
This can be hard for most, you can do all your preparations for a courageous conversation, you can stick to your script and stay in control of your emotions, however, you can not control what the other person is going to say. Sometimes, you will hear stuff that you never considered or wanted to hear. To ensure we act in the manner of a fair and reasonable employer you should not go into these conversations with your mind up on what the outcome is. Be prepared to work together on a solution.
Tip 15 Avoid at all cost!!
The intent of a Courageous Conversation is to look forward to solutions not backwards to blame. It is also about speaking the truth, being transparent and vulnerable. This is very hard and chances are that you will mess it up sometimes. This is all part of learning. There are however key mistakes which will turn a Courageous Conversation into a toxic conversation!
They are –
- Don’t Talk too much
- Having an unclear message
- Not thinking about the other person’s feelings
- Starting the conversation by saying “So how is it going?”
- Trying to oversimplify the issue .If it was simple then it wouldn’t be difficult to deal with!
- Over-rehearsing and memorising the script – this will block you from being real
- To get caught off guard and to lose sight of the goal. When this happens we tend to fall back into our defence mode or if it’s really bad we go back to “combat mode” and it can turn ugly! If it does get really difficult remember to come back to the 7 keys – keep your content clear, stay calm, keep your tone neutral and your EGO in check.
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